More From The Onion
VINTAGE YELLOW MAPLE LEAF PENDANT CHARM 14K gold nwgfyc1814-Charms & Charm Bracelets
VINTAGE 14K YELLOW gold MAPLE LEAF PENDANT CHARM

Item specifics

Metal Purity: 14k Metal: Yellow Gold
VINTAGE 1960-70'S KREMENTZ pink gold FILLED 3 CHAIN BRACELET

NAIROBI, KENYA—Warning that a complete overhaul of their skill set was necessary to survive in the 21st century, environmentalists announced a new conservation program Friday to help struggling rhinos adapt to the modern ecosystem by retraining them as urban scavengers. “Many of these animals simply aren’t equipped to…

Vintage 1960's Large 9ct gold Jug Shaped Charm
Vintage 18k solid white gold 3D heart diamond pendant modernist puffy charm
VINTAGE 1970 14K gold Diamond & Ruby Pin Brooch

SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking discovery certain to complicate the legacy of a national icon, the estate of Walt Disney announced Friday it had discovered a cache of anti-American cartoons the pioneering animator intended to release if the Axis Powers had triumphed in World War II.

Vintage 1970s Horn cuff bracelet with white metal trim lagenlook
VINTAGE 1980S EMBER BUG BROCH PIN- AUTHENTIC RUSSIAN BALTIC WITH ORIGINAL TAG
VINTAGE 1990 14K gold POST EARRINGS TOPAZ AND AMETHYST

NAPA, CA—After being lovingly tended by generations of bin Ladens, the once-gorgeous Northern California vineyard upon which the late al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden’s family winery sits is now crumbling and covered with weeds, sources confirmed Friday. “Bin Laden Manor produced some of the finest wines Napa Valley…

Vintage 2.72Ct Emerald and 0.72Ct Diamond 14k White gold Dress Ring Circa 1950

March 31, 1999 saw the release of The Matrix, the sci-fi action film directed by the Wachowskis that went on to massive financial and critical success, spawning sequels and a host of other related media. The Onion looks back at big moments in the franchise on its 20-year anniversary.

Vintage 18K Solid Yellow gold Shell Abalone & White Topaz Ring Size 7

PINEVILLE, LA—Citing concerns over historically high seasonal traffic and the resulting potential flight delays, a Canada goose was thinking of migrating home two to three weeks early in order to avoid the crowds, avian sources confirmed Friday. “My friends think I’m a bit neurotic, but I just want a quiet,…

Vintage 3.20ct Diamond Onyx & Mother of Pearl 18K gold Bowtie Brooch

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Warning that nothing was more dangerous than focusing on yesterday’s mistakes instead of being present right here and right now, self-actualized historians at Harvard University urged Americans not to get all hung up on the past. “Now more than ever, we must remember: A society that dwells on what it did…

SOUTH BEND, IN—Stumbling through the restaurant and gaming establishment in a dazed and incoherent stupor, local man Rob Woodham, 31, reportedly slipped into a ghastly, blinding fog of insanity Thursday just before he was asked if this was his first time at a Dave & Buster’s location. “Can I get you a menu?” said a…

Vintage '46 Green Enamel P gold Fill College Football Charm Pendant ALBERT LEGGE

HEAVEN—Speaking with obvious nostalgia regarding the “raw and gritty” quality of his experiences in decades past, God the Almighty Creator confirmed Thursday that Heaven was “way cooler” in the 1970s. “Sure, there was a lot of more crime and corruption, but man, Heaven in those days felt way more authentic,” said the…

I know at times I can come off a bit caustic and abrasive. For years, I had no idea where these destructive feelings and behaviors came from, but as I get older, I’m starting to realize it all stems from my youth. You see, when I was growing up, still an innocent and impressible bottle of laundry detergent, my dad…

CARY, NC—Competing to secure the new pet’s allegiance, members of the Thomas family were reportedly locked in a heated bidding war Thursday as each tried to convince their cat, Cookie, to sleep in their bed. “So far, I’ve provided the most perks—sneaking him extra scoops of food, offering him handfuls of catnip, and…

VINTAGE 60s 70s Sterling Mid Century Modernist Stone-Inlaid Chunky Cufflinks
Vintage 8.2 G- Antq Filigree Sterling Grape Earrings

CHESTERBROOK, PA—Regaling a group of prospective soldiers with tales from his youth, military recruiter Luke Coleman fondly recalled Wednesday when he was just a naïve kid being coaxed into making a binding eight-year commitment to the Army in order to fulfill a recruitment quota. “Man, I remember back when I was your…

VINTAGE 18KT gold DIAMOND CLIP ON EARRINGS CLASSIC TAILORED STYLE

Many cities, venues, and scholastic institutions have banned bottled water following campaigns by environmental groups, but critics warn such bans can have harmful unintended effects. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of banning bottled water.

Vintage 1920 Micro Mosaic Millefiori Murano pink Brooch Pin, - 1

VINTAGE 9 Karat gold 375 DIAMOND SAPPHIRE RING SHEFFIELD 1980 Sz 8 1 4

WASHINGTON—Insisting that they had taken every measure to keep the message “extra top secret,” the Trump boys reportedly spent Wednesday defending their decision to send Saudi Arabia plans for a cool missile using their personal Etch A Sketch. “We spent, like, a million hours making that rocket look super good, so we…

Vintage 1930's Art Deco Czech Foil Glass Sugarloaf Brooch

Vintage 1940s gold Filled SHELL CAMEO BROOCH PENDANT

CRYSTAL RIVER, FL—Claiming he found the turn to be well banked and cambered with perfect sightlines, motorist Calvin Henry declared Wednesday that a bend along Florida State Road 44 was definitely not sharp enough to warrant the dozen or so roadside memorials along its outside shoulder. “I mean, this is a pretty soft…

Vintage 1940s Signed Handwrought 10K Yellow gold Turquoise Ring Sz 7 EM793

HAVERFORD, PA—Expressing concerns about her odd behavior over the past few weeks, coworkers of Sheila Gottman confirmed Wednesday that the “total weirdo” was leading their office’s NCAA bracket pool after picking teams she analyzed and predicted would beat the others. “What kind of freak actually reads expert analysis…

Advertisement

Vintage 9ct gold Charm 'Wish Bone' Size 18mm x 9mm Hallmarked

VINTAGE YELLOW MAPLE LEAF PENDANT CHARM 14K gold nwgfyc1814-Charms & Charm Bracelets

Contact Us
Our Mission
Vintage 9ct gold Hallmarked Carved Shell Cameo Stud Post Earrings GIFT BOXED